telefonmannen

I could write it here too, but then I'd have to mess with the pictures and everything. Too much work. Enjoy the link!

http://smartwhenimdrunk.blogspot.com/2011/09/tirade-about-plastic-surgery.html

Nothing.
Absolutely nothing, in peace, finally!

That's probably a perk only dead people get. The selfish bastards

I was going outside for a night-smoke in my dream. My white cat came along and ran into the
hedges on my left. My cigarette has disappeared. There's a lot of growling and noises of
animals fighting coming from the bushes.
My cat darts out and a compact, brown, angry dog follows.
I stopped it in it's tracks with an authoritative stance, voice, and some arbitrary words.
It must be said that at this point I thought the animals were merely playing, and perhaps they
were, but I was feeling protective that night.
I had to shoo it off a few more times. The cat was seemingly happy and wandered into the open
field of grass that is my dream neighbor's garden, a short time after some other feline creature
was chasing it. The creature was weird and ugly. Some sort of arrow shaped head, like a snake.
the neck was somehow very long and flexible, and I think it might have had feathers at one point.
Though when it got close I saw some similarity between it, and a panther.
The snake headed bird-panther with a strange neck was far more tenacious, and impossible to
deter. I was afraid it might bite me, but I still poked and pushed to get it away.
At this point I still thought they were just playing, as it can look rather vicious, and the cat
didn't seem to have any injuries or be particularly afraid.
It was just laying there, on the side, not making a sound.
The other animals started coming closer, but didn't look like they would attack, so I let them be.
They walked up close, and started carefully biting her.
It was then I saw that both her legs had been torn off, and only bloody spots, not stumps,
remained.
There was one bone left, sticking out from the left hip, hanging by some meaty threads.
I remember almost laughing because the bone was so clean, and that looked very stupid.
I picked up the cat to carry it inside, for some reason it now had wings which it wrapped
badly around it's own body.
A shard of bone sticking out from the right hip was stabbing me in the stomach, and one of her
claws was dug into my chest. For some reason I remember not noticing the claws until I got inside.
I was about to put her down on the kitchen counter, but some weird morals and sense of decency
stopped me, so I took one step and instantly traveled to my bedroom, where I fell asleep with the
miserable cat on my chest.
Then I woke up and had to remember all of this.

How do you know who you are right now?

I can tell by how my eyes feel.
Now they're annoyed and ready to explode, and I don't want to speak. Yesterday they were open, and I could think.
Earlier they were hidden, and no one was allowed to see me.

I don't know which order things work in anymore

[A work in progress]

Alternative femputer. Listen. I get it man. We sorely needed a break from that horrible stereotype that only skinny/fat nerds with massive glasses and a fetish for Captain Kirk speak the language of the magic TV, but that doesn't mean we just need a new stereotype! The quirky alternative girl who types like a beast yet never use the spacebar or the mouse is the new master of confusing technology, and that's fine. But give it a rest already.
This stupid trend isn't so big right now, but official Cracked psychics tell us the alternative computer chick will overwhelm the world of television by 2013. Cop shows will be nothing but black and purple clothes swirling around on a keyboard.

Drama switch: OFF. Two characters are having a very important and emotional discussion until one of them says "Can we not talk about this? I just want to focus on work right now, okay?". Then the other character gets a sort of worried look in his/her eyes before he/she carries on with work like nothing ever happened. It's almost like they have to fill a drama quota in every episode, but keep putting it off until the entire episode is filmed and then they have to go back to film that last fucking scene and a tired editor crams it in some place it might fit.

Ordinarily unusual. Even if the show is about a plumbers daily struggle they never seem to face the same exact problem twice. Though some times the characters will reference something from way back, often just with the name of the city it happened in, and then do something awesome that perfectly illustrates their bond. "Remember Kabul?". You remember one of those scenarios from TV now don't you? Was one of them black? They always seem to be.

Wilhelm scream. Someone gets shot in the balls, a storm troopers fall over what should be railings, a man blows up, a guy gets hit in the chest with a weird spear after stuffing tobacco in his pipe. Every time the very same scream makes absolutely everything stupid. COME ON! The scream was okay the first time it was used in The Charge at Feather River in 1953, but the second time it was used in The Charge at Feather River it was just plain dumb.
If Hollywood really is so starved for screams that they have to keep using something that sounds more like a German industrial metal band swimming through acid than a scream in pain, they really should stop making anything.

Big fat accents no matter what. Just take a look at Raj and his sister from Big Bang Theory. He is very educated, has lived in the US for a long time, and has made absolutely no progress on his English. His sister is even worse because it's her damn job to talk! Envision Apu Nahasapimapetilon trying to get the love of a patriotic jury while the patriot act is in effect.
Not to mention that people change their accents all the time. For example: If you marry a made man you sound like you're from New Jersey, if you watch every episode of The Ricky Gervais Show you start picking up a few things and slightly change the pronounciation of certain words.
If there's an Indian guy shows up on the screen, you know he's from India, there's really no need for any further aid. Still they insist on making every even slightly brown person plaster on an accent fatter than a KFC meal.

Café tables are sound proof.

Half assed hangovers.

T-shirts in bed. Cracked writers sleep naked or in aligators, and are pretty detached from "reality", but even we won't believe that every man sleeps with a T-shirt on. Even the very toned ones that don't eat in bed and shouldn't be afraid of aa burglar making fun of his jelly-belly . Most shocking is when you see a man and a woman in bed, both hiding their shamful upper bodies from the camera, then the man rolls out of bed, PUTS HIS BOXERS ON, and walks away. Why on earth are all nipples out of bounds on camera? Have we come to a point where we will force men to wear bras? Really America?

DISCLAIMER: IF YOU HAVE MORE STORES OR MONEY THAN US YOU CAN GO FUCK YOUR SPOILED ASS WITH A WAD OF CASH

If you?re anything like us, you?ve hidden yourself behind an iron curtain of bland and concealing clothing for years. Maybe you even justified it by saying you want people to judge the content of your character and not the fabric on your skin, but most likely you just don?t want people to notice when you?re wearing the same clothes for three weeks straight
But if you?re still like us you?ve come to terms with clothing being the first way of communicating with the world around you, and you want to look absolutely fucking fantastic! Black hoodies and jeans no longer justify the beauty they cover, and you?re tired of looking like the way you have for years, so you want the garments draped around your body to be hella sexy!

If you?re a gentleman of the female kind, there?s no other problem than getting over the fact that you need XL even though you weigh 90lbs. If you look between your legs and find a powerful rod of 2+ stamina, good luck.

What?s the fashion for men at the moment? No one cares, because this story was hatched a while back in Not-America, and the style of the time was looking like you were going to a cabin in the frozen mountains with your Rent-a-family.
The other options consisted of gold or silver patterns, rich kid clothes, and generic Wal-Mart crap. Most people don?t want to be a towering beacon of fabulous, so gold/silver is out of the question, and generic clothes are exactly what you now want to avoid.
If your budget is rather tight, and won?t allow you to buy things you won?t wear or find a store more fitting to your tastes, you?re stuck trying to find something affordable and good looking that doesn?t follow this season?s style. Unless you order online; you?re fucked. If you wanted this to be a list you?re fucked as well, sorry about that.

I be trying to get this on tha Cracked, yarr

Dette er den eneste tiden på dagen jeg har til å sosialisere ansikt til ansikt, så hold kjeft, jeg prøver å lese om X-Men.

Alle begynte å snakke sammen da vi satt oss på hver vr PC for å ta en undersøkelse.

Nylig har mitt vokabular blitt utfordret. Ikke av en velmenende bekjent som mente det var umulig for meg å gå en hel dag uten å banne, men av en dårlig telefon som gjør det jævla vanskelig å bruke Æ, Ø og Å.
I en slik situasjon må man huske den velkjente filosofs (Hvis navn jeg ikke trenger nevne) visdomsord "If something's hard to do it's not worth doing". Jeg må si det går helt fint i min æøå frie meldingshverdag, selv om jeg må legge mer arbeid i hver melding.
Ta i betraktning at det er en dårlig touch telefon også så blir jeg vel egentlig faen så imponerende

Si din mening direkte men uten bruk av ulovlig hets, sjikanisering eller annen form for trusler.

Detter er epost adressene til alle som stemte for at all digital trafikk skal overvåkes tungt og lagres i 6 måneder, jeg skulle gjerne sett dem brenne levende

Fortsett å sende epost, adressen er under:

erna.solberg@stortinget.no, jan-tore.sanner@stortinget.no, sonja-irene.sjoli@stortinget.no,sylvi.graham@stortinget.no, andre.dahl@stortinget.no, svein.harberg@stortinget.no,trond.helleland@stortinget.no, anders.werp@stortinget.no, frank-bakke.jensen@stortinget.no,gunnar.gundersen@stortinget.no, oyvind.halleraker@stortinget.no, elisabeth-robekk.norve@stortinget.no,ivar.kristiansen@stortinget.no, lars.myraune@stortinget.no, olemic.thommessen@stortinget.no,per-kristian.foss@stortinget.no, ina-marie.eriksen@stortinget.no, bent.hoie@stortinget.no,siri.meling@stortinget.no, arve.kambe@stortinget.no, bjorn.lodemel@stortinget.no,elisabeth.aspaker@stortinget.no, peter.gitmark@stortinget.no, svein.flatten@stortinget.no,ingjerd.schou@stortinget.no, marianne.aasen@stortinget.no, terje.aasland@stortinget.no,dag-terje.andersen@stortinget.no, bendiks.arnesen@stortinget.no, jorodd.asphjell@stortinget.no,anne-marit.bjornflaten@stortinget.no, else-may.botten@stortinget.no, tove-linnea.brandvik@stortinget.no,susanne.bratli@stortinget.no, thomas.breen@stortinget.no, tor.bremer@stortinget.no, jan.bohler@stortinget.no,lise.christoffersen@stortinget.no,freddy.de-ruiter@stortinget.no, gunvor.eldegard@stortinget.no,thor-erik.forsberg@stortinget.no, svein.gjelseth@stortinget.no, gunn.gjul@stortinget.no,steinar.gullvag@stortinget.no, laila.gustavsen@stortinget.no, eva-kristin.hansen@stortinget.no,lillian.hansen@stortinget.no, sigvald.hansen@stortinget.no, svein-roald.hansen@stortinget.no,arne.haugen@stortinget.no, hakon.haugli@stortinget.no, ingrid.heggo@stortinget.no, are.helseth@stortinget.no,kari.henriksen@stortinget.no, per-rune.henriksen@stortinget.no, stine-renate.haheim@stortinget.no,irene.johansen@stortinget.no, gorm.kjernli@stortinget.no, tove.knutsen@stortinget.no,martin.kolberg@stortinget.no, gerd-janne.kristoffersen@stortinget.no, thor.lillehovde@stortinget.no,anna.ljunggren@stortinget.no, hilde-magnusson.lydvo@stortinget.no, sonja.mandt@stortinget.no,marianne.marthinsen@stortinget.no, torgeir.micaelsen@stortinget.no, sverre.myrli@stortinget.no,tore.nordtun@stortinget.no, marit.nybakk@stortinget.no, gunn.olsen@stortinget.no, ingalill.olsen@stortinget.no,wenche.olsen@stortinget.no, torfinn.opheim@stortinget.no, helga.pedersen@stortinget.no,magne.rommetveit@stortinget.no, torstein.rudihagen@stortinget.no, kare.simensen@stortinget.no,eirik.sivertsen@stortinget.no, arild.stokkan-grande@stortinget.no, tor-arne.strom@stortinget.no,eirin.sund@stortinget.no, tone-merete.sonsterud@stortinget.no, hadia.tajik@stortinget.no,dag-ole.teigen@stortinget.no, tove-lise.torve@stortinget.no, anette.trettebergstuen@stortinget.no,truls.wickholm@stortinget.

Lista er tatt fra denne karen her http://www.hardangermannen.com/

Fortell dem at de er landssvikere.

http://10minutemail.com/10MinuteMail/index.html

Om du vil sende drapstrusler vil jeg anbefale en 10 minute mail og en del andre sikkerhetstiltak som TOR og en del proxyer. ENOJY!

Hei! Vi er venner, yup, nei forresten, du var teit. Farvel for alltid
Hei! Vi er venner, yup, nei forresten, du var teit. Farve- FAEN vi er jo i familie så vi må late som vi liker hverandre!

Om man skulle være så ekstremt normal at man har et familiemedlem man ikke liker som menneske blir man tvunget til å ha et forhold så overfladisk at generiske samtaler til slutt blir det eneste minnet du har av personen. Kanskje begynner du å lure på om dere burde bli litt bedre kjent, dere er jo tross alt i familie. Så i neste familiefeiring setter du deg i nærheten av personen du unngår og snakker litt fram og tilbake.
Monstret viser igjen sitt sanne ansikt og du rømmer fort som faen!

"Hva vil du ha til bursdagen din dag?" Jo jeg bestiller en pc stol, dyre ting jeg vet ingen kjøper selv om to eller tre kunne gått sammen og skaffa en virkelig rå gave, og penger som jeg faktisk har et veldig stort ønske om og en ganske stort behov for.
"Gratulerer med dagen! De hadde ikke noe du ville ha på Hennes og Mauritz, så her har du en genser du ikke utstår når andre har den på seg engang. Enjoy!"
Jadda, syv-åtte byttelapper når man fyller år er vel en ondsinnet tradisjon på et vis det, men faen om de ikke alle sammen er fra forskjellige butikker!

Kunne de ikke bare stappe den helvetes stygge gensern i ræva og gi meg spenn isteden?

Her skal jeg tilbringe alt for lang tid med folk jeg stiller meg relativt nøytral til, folk jeg ikke utstår og som dominerer alle rom og samtaler, og noen andre blodsbånd. Også får jeg ikke engang jævla mye bra stuff å vise frem for det...
Drit i barndommelig uskyld, enkle gleder, bedårene talefeil og alles beste sider. Jeg vil tilbake til barndommen da bursdager var noe jeg så frem til og ikke måtte velte meg gjennom med upassende mengder alkohol.

Faen det var jo ikke bare bursdager, men alle familiære feiringer.

Pass the wine please, and get me some fucking cigarettes!